TSA, Rectal, Vaginal Cavity Searches Now Standard Procedure.

Future date Nov, 10 2011

After the FAA discovered a known terrorist, Abdul Gotabombinmybutt, was responsible for bringing down United flight 808 the TSA will now conducts cavity searches on all air travelers on all domestic flights within the United States.

“Yes, we have known that this was a possibility and that our scanners and aggressive pat down procedures could in no way thwart such an attack” said TSA official Phillip Urspouse.

TSA Cavity Search

The BATF working closely with FAA investigators were able to reconstruct exactly how Abdul Gotabombinmybutt, who was travelling under the assumed name John Doe, was able to bring down flight UA808.

“We think he simply formed a pound of Composition 4 plastic explosive into a phallic shape, inserted a detonator with a micro timer attached to a miniature watch battery. He subsequently slid the device into a condom and used the popular lubricant Astro Glide™ to facilitate insertion into his rectum” said FAA investigator Don T. Havaclue.

One TSA official stated off the record, “Everyone with a shred of common sense knew that the scanners and pat downs of 6 year olds, Nuns and wheelchair bound senior citizens were just a waste of time and precious resources, and is certainly a violation of the People’s 4th amendment rights. This being said, it seems that the fortunes made by Rapiscan, the Chertoff Group and heavily lobbied Congressmen took precedence over that ‘damn piece of paper”; that is the Constitution of the United States of America. It was also a substantial part of the “make work” program for the TSA; now unionized under the SEIU.”

All U.S. airlines are now insolvent and are awaiting the final say on how the U.S. government will seize their assets and redistribute them between various Labor Unions.
However, the White House did release the name of the newly consolidated airline, “Ameriflot”

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